A GLORIOUS DAY

Have you ever had one of those days that was just so amazingly awesome that you really didn't want it to end but daylight and exhaustion force you to stop. Today was that day, actually almost every Saturday is that way for me. I"m a volunteer at Braveheart Therapeutic Riding Center in Pawnee. Its an amazing hidden little place in the back country where cowboys & trick riders are born. Braveheart is run by a single special ed teacher, Ceci Maloney. She loves kids with issues and loves horses so it was only logical to blend the two groups into one. Our smallest rider is 2 years old, can you believe that, he's only 2 years old. Most of the riders are children and young adults. Although we do have one "young" lady in her 50s that takes lessons as well. Some of the riders are developmentally disabled: ADHD, Downs Syndrome, etc. Some of the riders are physically disabled: spina bifida, cp, cancer, brain issues. One little boy, with spina bifida, can't feel his body from the waist down, but HE CAN RIDE A HORSE!!! Its an amazing transformation watching these guys with so much against them, mount a pony and go for a ride. Braveheart, where all riders are equal in the saddle. God is so good!

This past summer I was blessed to become a part of Braveheart thru a friend who had to be a volunteer there for clinicals in her OTA classes. I was just along for the ride, one, since I"ve been a horse freak for as long as I can remember, and, two, because it fit in with my vet assist classes. Starting out I was a side walker. That meant my job was to walk along one side of the pony and support the rider and keep them from falling off. Not being a real people person (don't take that the wrong way, I think I"m a closet people person, just don't know what to do when I'm around them)being a side walker just didn't seem to be my forte'. I was priveleged at that point to be moved to a leader. That meant my job and my focus was 100% on the pony. My job was to keep the pony moving, calm the pony and make sure we didn't run into other ponies and riders. Much better. I could relax, it was just me and the pony now, even though there were technically 3 other people behind me (rider and 2 side walkers). It was only a 6 week course but it was 6 of the best weeks of my life. I told Ceci I would love to come back. She was actually excited about that.

Well, lessons started again 3 weeks ago and this time I make the 45 minute drive by myself (which is a feat all its own since driving terrifies the snot out of me). It feels like home to me when I get there. The smell...have you ever buried your face in the neck of a horse thats been out in the pasture and sun all day...its indescribable. The smells, the sounds, the feel of the horse snuffling down the back of your neck as they nuzzle you. Its amazing to me that these 800-1200lb animals freely give their trust to the person on the other end of the lead rope. I"m a leader now, boy that sounds weird to say. I get there early, help get the horses to the arena, groom and tack up and wait for the students to show up.

My people skills have apparently improved. I'm more relaxed around the students and able to interact more with them. I actually even have a couple of favorites. One little boy, well, actually he's 12, Austin. He's ADHD, a foster kid with some issues. He comes every Saturday dressed up like a cowboy, he and I joke around with each other will we run thru our routines...its so exciting to watch him progress. He finally got to ride with a saddle a couple weeks ago, he was totally stoked about it. (I guess I should tell you that the riders don't start out in a saddle. They start with a back pad and a circingle: a leather girth with a handle on the top). They don't get to move to a saddle or reins until they've learned how to balance on the horse without stirrups. I missed him today, they said he's in the hospital with some emotional issues. Don't know the circumstances but my heart just breaks for him.

Anyway, back to today. Ceci paired me with a rider because she told me that I had a "calming effect" on this particular rider. I'd worked with this rider before but I didn't notice anything between us. The rider gets frustrated easily and gets distracted and panics. I never would have guessed that I would have a calming effect on a person. I can do it with animals, but people...me?? Go figure. I walked a little straighter and taller today because someone had faith in me that I could do what they needed to have done. That is such a strange, amazing, unfamiliar feeling for me. We had a great lesson and from the sounds of it, this rider will probably be permanently assigned to me. Wow. That was only the beginning of goodness today though. Many of the riders no showed today for some reason so we had a lot of spare time on our hands between lessons. Ceci has a 2 year old Haflinger gelding that has just recently been broken to be ridden. Andy isn't used in lessons yet though, he's not ready. This afternoon she had me take him to the arena to train him. Now, you might not get the significance of this without knowing that I have very little experience with horses. I"ve loved horses all my life but never been blessed to own one. I have several horsey friends that let me live vicariously thru them, but I have no where near the experience needed to help train a horse. My assignment was to desensitize him to the equipment we use in the lessons. Wooden bridges, large foam dice, rubber horse shoes, bean bags, bubbles. I felt kinda bad for Andy cause I had to throw foam dice and rubber horse shoes and bean bags at him until he didn't jump anymore. Then I had to rub them all over his body, up and down his legs, down his face, etc. He was so good, he only jumped the first couple of times and then he just took everything in stride, even when one of the other volunteers threw the dice at him and hit him straight in the face. He was such a good boy!! When we were done, the last lesson was finishing up. Ceci grabbed the rider, a little 5 year old girl recovering from leukemia and threw her up on Andy's back. We walked him back over the bridges with her up and he only balked once and we talked him through it.

I"m always totally filthy when I come home from there. Dirt, dust, hay, horse slobber, horse drool down my back but the neat thing is I don't care. It feels good to get so dirty and so tired and I revel in it. Now I know women aren't supposed to like getting dirty, but this dirt is unique. I feel like I have actually accomplished something in my life on the days I do this and the dirt is my trophy, my badge of honor, whatever you want to call it. One of my best friends has recently told me that I need to find at least one trophy a day to put on my mantle. Something that was good out of the day and made me feel valuable and needed and special..well, today, my trophy is Braveheart!!

BORED BEYOND BELIEF

ok, its 5 pm friday afternoon, I actually got off of work 30 minutes early and I am already totally bored beyond belief. at least at the moment I think its boredom!! what's a single person supposed to do on a Friday nite, alone. Not into bar hopping or anything of that nature, could always go leach some company off a friend, if they didn't already have plans or go to the show by myself but whats the fun in that. when do I finally get to be comfortable in my own skin and enjoy my own company without climbing the walls and wanting to run screaming from the building...lol!! I should clean house, do the laundry, yardwork, all the stuff that a "responsible" adult would do when they got home from work, but not today. I"m so bored with that, a little fun would be great, so, how do I do that? why am I so afraid to spend quality time with myself and do something just for me? are most people like this? or do we keep ourselves so busy that we don't take the time to notice the caged up, let me out, I wanna play part of us.......I think our stress levels would decrease drastically if we took some time to just play...now don't panic, that doesn't mean you have to grab a bucket and shovel and go play in a sand box, or, well, actually it could, if thats what the kid in you really wanted to do and you took the time to let them. wouldn't that be a site, grown men in 3 piece suites on their hands and knees in a sand box, building castles and moats and knocking them down and starting over again. can you imagine how much happier people would be if they let themselves have a little fun now and then, what a different world it would be. see, I'm rambling again, now you know why I call this place Robn8trs Ramblings. Pups are out back doing what pups do, guess I better check on them, cuz they are kinda quiet and we all know what happens when the "kids" get quiet and we know they aren't sleeping.....

Fear of Man

Why are we as people so afraid of each other, well, besides the obvious...we have a tendency to hurt each other. But why do we really care what other people think about us or what we do? Does it really make a difference?

A friend of mine says fear of man does nothing more than make us sick. Yeah, he's right..so how do we get past it? When do we know that we've stopped being afraid of what man thinks and only care about what God really thinks about us? Can we ever really get there in our humanness? Yes, I'm full of questions tonite, get over it! Oh wait, was that rude, maybe I need to rephrase that...see what I mean...we worry so much about impressing others or making sure we don't rock the boat or offend someone that we are never truly real with ourselves or the people that we choose to be in a relationship with. If we can't be real with ourselves, how can we be real with other people and most importantly...how can we be real with God?

I've lived in denial for so long that somewhere along the way, the person that God intended me to be got lost. So much bad stuff happens in life and it molds us and changes us and we get sidetracked and sometimes really really lost (yea, I know, english teachers are having heart failure because of my grammar tonite). Nobody died from it so I"m not too worried about it...or am I?

Why is it so much easier to believe all the bad things a person says about us? Rejection, worthlessness, feeling lower than the slime on a slugs belly...why do we believe this over and above when someone says hey, you are really a great person. Sometimes life just seems so backwards.

Not sure why I'm rambling about this tonite except for the fact that I am speaking in church on Sunday and I am terrified. Some people know some of the things from my past, but I"ve never really told the whole story and now I"m gonna tell it to 200 or so people...oi vey...what was I thinking? What if I say something the wrong way or what if an offcolor word slips out or I offend somebody..what if I bomb the song that I"m singing and why does any of this really matter when I'm doing what God has told me to do. I should be doing this for Him and Him alone and let him worry about the impact of my words on people (not that I"m intentionally going to do anything wrong, just wanted to clarify that). Its not my job to change people's hearts, its just my job to be obedient to what God has told me to do, right?

Anyhoo, life goes on, the pups are sleeping and I should be too......

Chaos at the ranch

Once again we find ourselves "Doggie Sitting"...my kids just love it, at least I think they do. New butt to sniff, newcome to intimidate, someone else they can steal a bone from and another reason to suck up to "mom" for more attention....they are such a jealous lot. Miss Josey is spending the weekend with us all the way from the Mount of Olives, technically thats this little town not too far from here called Mt Olive. She took on the pack one at a time, poor old Riley, got his nose bit twice cause he just wouldn't leave her alone. Oi, its gonna be a long weekend, but it will be fun.

Passed my radiology exam, can you see me glowing in the dark yet? Better yet, would you trust me to light up your pup or kitty?? oooh, time will tell. I'll be done in November...at least I better be or I won't get my certificate. What I'm gonna do with it besides hang it on the wall, I don't know yet..still waiting on God to show me.

Feeling a little weird tonite, its Thursday, why not?! Getting kinda nervous about Sunday. I"m gonna be talking Sunday at church, oooo, aaaaa, can you hear the excitement as the crowd roars....or throws rotten tomatos. maybe I better wear old clothes :o)

An amazing thing about life is that you have a friend who suddenly becomes a really great friend, a friend that you never expected to have, that gets everything about you and someone you don't have to tell them everything...they just kinda see it. Its cool to get a chance to see yourself thru someone else's eye's. God has blessed me this week with such a friend and I will be forever greatful for that relationship.

still trying to find myself...have you seen me lately? if so, tell me to call home, will ya! still doesn't seem right that I'm almost 40, how'd that happen? I don't feel almost 40, more like 10 or 12 or occasionally 20

well thats enough chaos for one evening, tune in next week for another episode of Robn8trs Rambles....ooh aah feel the excitement!!

Hey All

This is my first attempt at blogging so bear with me. I"m sure it will be a lovely confusing journey thru the chaos that I like to call my life...but at least it won't be boring!!

Thought I had my "midlife" crisis at 30, but now with 40 coming up quick...oi vey!! Shouldn't my life be settled by now, family, career, know what I wanna be when I grow up..? You know, all the basics. Well, it ain't so and I think I"m more confused about life than ever, well, somedays. Other days I feel like I've got my act together and I'm on the move in the right direction. Who knows but God. It would be nice if He'd drop a hint once in a while just to let me know I'm going in the right direction. Of course, maybe He is doing that and I"m just to blind to see it.

Work takes up most of my time, which is good because I hate being bored. Then I have school part time and the pups..well, they aren't really pups anymore. Riley is getting old, really old. He'll be 15 in a couple months..somedays he gets around really good and other days he kinda just stares right thru you, like he doesn't even know you are there. He's a good boy and has been for long time...now, if I could just get him to remember that he was housebroken once upon a time...life would be good. Shadow, well, Shadow is a mystery all her own. Thrown from a vehicle at an early age, she was terrified of most everybody, except me. 5 years ago you better not be male and try to walk in my house, you'd think she was gonna eat you alive. Been working a long time with her, abuse does funny things to the mind, whether you are an animal or a human. She's my "big" dog, weighing in at 127lbs so she can be rather intimidating if she's not happy. Its amazing how helping a helpless animal heal can help you heal your own battered and torn heart. She doesn't meet everybody at the door with a growl anymore, usually she backs up and hides behind me..wagging her tail. We've actually seen great improvement just in the last couple of months...she's actually let several visitors touch her and pet her and she's gone back and begged them to do it again. So there is hope for the hopeless in this life. Even though she is a huge animal, she thinks she is a chihuahua and always wants to curl up in my lap. It amazes me how animals are so forgiving..after everything she's been thru, she's still willing to give people a chance and openly love them. I wonder if the human heart is ever so resilient. My third pup is a mystery to me. Bear is a cockapoo/sheepdog mix or something of that nature..not quite sure who daddy was. She's almost 3 but still all puppy. She reminds me of a cutting horse the way she zooms around the back yard and stops on a dime and switches direction. I've had her since she was 6 weeks old and she's never been mistreated that I"m aware of. She is the jumpiest animal I've ever know, you move to quick and she jumps right out of her skin. She's my barker, drives me nuts...doesn't help make friends with the neighbors either. Oh, well, she's getting better..still got aways to go.

Oh, what do you do with a father that needs to get his own life and is driving you nuts!!!! any suggestions.....??